Oh where to begin…

So, up until a couple weeks ago I was seeing someone I honestly thought I would marry. Imagines I’d spend my life with. I thought I’d finally found my true soul mate. We loved everything in common, but had enough differences to keep things interesting. It didn’t take me to long to see this man was everything I wanted. Kind, loving, generous, same interests in the really important stuff. He would look at me like I was the brightest star in the sky he’d ever seen. Tell me how lucky he was to have me, tell me how beautiful I was, hold me like he never wanted to let me go. Our first date was last November. We went out a few times up until he went out of the country for vacation, back home to see family. Even with a 16 hour time difference he managed to communicate with me. He even brought me back a souvenir which was quite unexpected.

When he got back at the beginning of January we saw each other 1 – 3x a week depending on his schedule with his kids. Six year old twin girls, 50/50 custody with the ex. It was a little bit of a challenge, but he made it work. Right before Valentine’s Day he declared we were official boyfriend and girlfriend. I was totally ready for that step. He made Valentine’s Day really special for me, too. The best one I’d ever had, as a matter of fact. That was the whole “He was lucky to have me, and how happy I made him” evening. I’d go on to hear that again, too. But that was night I started to fall. Hard.

This shy, reserved, quiet man treated me like a princess. I actually felt cherished. I’d NEVER felt that before. NEVER. He made it so easy to fall for him. But all the while, he wasn’t falling for me.

The last couple weeks were were still together, he’d been supposedly working his ass off on a project for work. Seeing each other was difficult, at one point we made a huge effort to spend some time together, just a couple hours. But it was still time together. Then out of the blue he asked me on a quick road trip. St. Patrick’s Day weekend. It was the best weekend ever. We caught up for all the time we’d missed. And he really made me feel missed.  But by Easter weekend, something was wrong. He went distant on me. Overnight. I could feel him pull away from me. It was like a crack in my heart had started. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just worried about work. I told him I could feel something was wrong and he better tell me what was going on. He insisted it was just work, kissed my forehead and watched me drive off. And while we still texted everyday from that weekend, he was distant. Inattentive. I put it up to being uber-stressed because of work. His deadline was fast-approaching and the project had to be complete and he was still struggling with some of the pieces… He worked all of Easter weekend, even with his kids with him.

I didn’t see him in person for over a week. For that week I was living with this awful dread inside. I wasn’t sleeping. I was worried about him. I felt inside something was wrong. I predicted a breakup, but then my mind always expects the worst from every issue. We usually saw each other every Wednesday like clockwork (with the exception of his overtime). So once his deadline was met and his life could get something back to normal, he didn’t hesitate to ask me to come over for dinner. I can’t tell you how relieved I was that he seemed so excited to have me come over. He wanted to know what I wanted to do for dinner. I asked in or out. He said out. I was even more excited that he wanted to go out (long story).

I got there and he hung up my coat like he always did. Asked how I was. We walked into the family room and I hugged him. I hugged him like there was no tomorrow. And he hugged me back the same. And kissed me. We kissed… then he pulled away and asked if I was hungry, so we headed out. Everything seemed fine and my stomach stopped aching. When we got to the restaurant we tried to figure out what we wanted, he knew nothing about sushi, so I explained the best I could. Once we ordered, we chatted about his work and the project and what he had left to do to button things up. I had to use the restroom, so when I got up, I leaned over and kissed him and he smiled and I walked away. But when I came back, he was turned to the side, somewhat away from me. I didn’t have a chance to ask him if he was okay, the food was brought to the table and he asked me what was what. We ate, chatted, everything still seemed ok. We left and went back to his house.

Jacket hung, shoes off, he got us glasses of wine… we settled on the couch and talked for a while. Then he said something, I don’t remember what exactly now, but it made say “Yeah, what’s been going on with you? I’ve been so worried about you.” I grabbed his hand in mine and he put his other hand on top.

He turned to me and said “I don’t know how to say this…” And all I could hear was this buzzing in my ears, “…enjoy my time with you and you are an amazing person, but I feel like in the future we are better as mates”. (He’s Australian. ) He had just told me he only saw me as a friend.

The confusion was instantaneous. “Friends, huh? What are you talking about?”
“Yes, I’ve come to a decision that we are just friends in the future.”
I snatched my hands from him like they were on fire.
My heart was pounding, I could hear it like a jackhammer in my ears.

“What? WHAT??”

Everything after that is a blur as I practically ran out of the room after putting my shoes on.

I stood at the front door, holding in the massive sobs I knew where coming. “I don’t understand? You came to a decision? How did you come to this decision? Where is this coming from? How are we just friends after everything we’ve through? How could you ask me to come over here and take me to dinner and kiss and hug me and then do this?”

He had tears in his eyes. I still couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Utter disbelief. He just kept saying how sorry he was, he never meant to hurt me, I meant too much to him… I absolutely didn’t feel like I meant anything to him at that moment. I asked him “Did you not miss me while we were apart?” Yes, I missed you.” “Are you not attracted to me anymore?” “I am very much attracted to you.” “Then what, you just don’t feel anything for me after all this?” “I do have feelings for you.” “Then what the hell is going on? This makes no sense! Did you meet someone else?” “No! When would I have had the time?”

After that, all he kept saying was how sorry he was, he never meant to hurt me. I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t look at him without feeling ill. I grabbed my jacket and left before I completely broke down in front of him. I stumbled to my car. Climbing in, I looked up at his front door right in front of me. It was closed and the lights were shut off. He had shut me out like I never existed.

I don’t know how I made it home that night. I was on the phone with one of my best friends the whole time though. I don’t think I could have made it in once piece if it hadn’t been for her. She had kept the faith for me, believing that he’d just been going through a tough time, she’d had more faith than I did.

When I got home I hung up with her. I walked into the house blindly, still not sure what had just happened. I barely made it to the bathroom before I got utterly sick to my stomach. I went to bed. I tried to anyway. After I’d calmed down, I went to my computer and wrote him a letter. I told him all my feelings, asked a dozen questions or more.

The response the next night was vague and numbing. Again how sorry he was to hurt me. He knew once he made the decision he couldn’t let things go on because it wasn’t fair to me… But he just didn’t see a future with me.

I responded. I wasn’t very nice, but I wasn’t mean either. I ended with saying I’d wished I never met him. That was true then, it’s still true to this minute.

Friends and family thought he was just going through something. He was scared, or there was family stuff going on. They said give him a couple weeks and reach out… I’ll bet he’d be happy/relieved to hear from you. I reached out… but I shouldn’t have. I had begged him to tell me what was wrong. Had I said or done something to hurt him, asking him what was going on in his head… Asking him if he truly didn’t care for me, not to do to the next girl what he’d done to me… He took 2 days to respond, thanking me for my email, taking what I said to heart, telling me I’d done and said nothing wrong and that I shouldn’t feel bad… Right.

Don’t feel bad when the man of your dreams blindsides you with being dropped on your head in the friendzone. With no explanation. How did he come to this conclusion? How do you treat someone like a fucking princess and tell her all the time how wonderful she is, how lucky you are to have her… and feel… nothing. After all that.

During the time we were apart, after Easter, I logged into the dating app where we’d met. His profile said he hadn’t logged on since January. I had taken my profile down altogether… but I was still relieved that he at least hadn’t logged in. After the breakup, I logged in to see if he had and his profile was completely gone. Yeah, stalkerish, crazy, I know. But I just wanted some answers… sue me. I took hope that maybe he was taking some time to think things over. Or, worst case scenario he DID meet someone else, or was getting back together with his ex. My mind goes 100 miles a minute…

Tonight, after being urged by a friend to forget him and get back on the dating site where I’d met him, I logged in. I could tell from my inbox messages that not only was his profile back, but he was logged on. My heart sank. I didn’t think it could break anymore, but did.

All the hoping, the thoughts of him struggling with himself, of maybe seeing that I was the one for him… went out the window.

I cried. For a long time, the tears just silently slid from eyes continuously. Another ex, one that tormented me on and off for 7 years texted me. Wanted to see how I was doing. I told him. He said he could tell I was pissy, but didn’t blame me. I said yeah, I am pissy. And I am hurt and I am tired of being thrown away. (Cuz he treated me pretty badly…) He never responded to that. Not that I expected him to. But it spurred me to rewrite my profile, update my pictures and in my head say a big FUCK YOU to both of them.

I guess we shall see what happens next. I didn’t pull any punches in my profile. If a guy can’t pick up the challenge and take what I said, then he’s a wuss. That’s all there is to it.